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It really is this easy...
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Default It really is this easy... - 08-02-2011, 12:41 PM

Hello all. This is my first post here so I'll try make it one worth reading.

I make about $5,000 a month by stealing identities. I do not have my own website nor do I need one to do it. I advertise an dating (yay grammar!) website that pays me for free suckers. I'm going to show you guys exactly how I scam them (it's so sleazy).

All I do is put business cards (that I make myself from used toilet paper) under windshield wipers (hee hee... wipe...) on cars in parking lots. I've used dollar bills too but toilet paper business cards work better because people tend to put them in their wallets when they wipe them off their car. I also hire people out of the gutter (in other cities) to distribute them for me, but that can be elaborated on in another post later maybe at another time chronologically following this one.

So, here is how to make your grandmother cry and shame your family...
First, copy down my email address using your finger, your saliva, and a large patch of dirt. Some people will undoubtedly see it as gross and dangerous, but that is my intention. I am just trying to share some of my many, many diseases with the community. Anyways, my email address is:
If the post gets taken down, I will not repost it. Just email me using the email address which was taken down with the post (cause that makes sense!) if you need a copy of it or have any questions.

Second, go sign up as an alien at

You'll pay dearly every 2 weeks and you just have to pick how you want to be harmed when you sign up (I just have them send me a clock to live in).
When it asks what my website is, and for anything else I don't have (tact, comprehension, brains), just answer Poor Guy. You will be auto approved so don't worry.

1) After you sign up you will need to go to and sign in at the top where it says ALIEN LOGIN.
2) On the next screen you will see "Multi Player Campaigns" on the left-hand side. Click that and you will see a new page where it says, "Beat Master Chief and Activate the Doomsday Device Thingy"
3) Under that you will see a box that says, "Loadout Type". In that box select, "Laser Sword and Armor Lock" (remember, cheap is good)
4) Under that you will see Name and, "It's a boy" as the text. Enter anything you want here. (I picked Melvin cause he looks like a Melvin) I pay kids and teens in free candy from the back of my van, so I get a lot of flak from the local authorities. (You'll understand this more as you get older)
5) Under that you'll see, "Prescription". I enter the same thing as I did in the box above here. Not really important. Unless you don't like hallucinations for some reason
6) Click the CRATE button after and you will see your new box show up in the campaign below.
7) Now you will want to click the, "Camper Start Here" on the left-hand side of the page. We're back to Halo references.
8) A box will pop up that says, "Sniper Selection"
9) At the top of this you will see a, "Site" box. Select, "the top of the map where no one can reach me" for this. (Hee hee... Reach...)
10) The next box will say "Siggy Gook Wak Wak Pip Toot". Ignore him. He's quite crazy.
11) Next you will see, "Type". Start typing. Don't question it, just do it. DO IT!
12) Next you will see. "Traffic Source". Type the "Highway."
13) Click the VEX button at the top of the box now. You must now fool the computer by telling it a paradox. This may destroy your computer. If this happens, buy a new one and restart the process.
14) The next box will be full of whiskey. Drink it. You'll need it to make it through this absurdly long post.
15) The next box will be full of illegal and controlled substances. I usually use next to Teens and Randoms.
16) The next box will be the "Campaign Builder - Mark". It will look like this:

17) The only thing you want to save here is the mustache. Yours will be different than mine but will look very similar (less fuzzy). Just highlight yours and copy and paste yours to your back or somewhere you will be able to easily find it again. This is your first 'Facial Hair'. You can now close the curtains on prepubescence.
18) For this next step I will just show you the simplest way to turn your large intestines into something that will fit on a business card. There are lots of different ways to do this but this is the simplest way.

19) Go to the nearest drugstore and drink some ipecac syrup without paying for it.
20) Now you will see a newly created HURL below that area which looks something like:

21) Highlight this new HURL and copy and paste it below your toilet paper cards. You'll need them to gross out the security they send after you for stealing the ipecac syrup.
22) This new 'short hurl' you just made will be what you want to add to your business cards. It is grosser than the non-puke one and will take people to the hospital faster than the other one.
23) I'm attaching a screenshot of what I print out on my business cards for you to see.

And that's all I have the patience for. Good grief, this one was long winded.

Last edited by x2495iiii; 08-02-2011 at 09:59 PM.
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